In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

I read with amusement many of the “experts” posts, both as comments here and at many other websites. In my mind I imagine a conversation between these experts and my typical client (note, SATIRE SWITCH ON (I have never been present at a conversation between these experts and a client))

Client: Welcome to Acme! We have been looking forward to your visit! We really have some problems we want help with!

Expert: Good, as you know I am an expert and am here to help.

Client: Ok, where do you want to setup? Do you need connection to the database?

Expert: The CIO office would be nice.

Client: Well, errr, we have this cubical we set up for you.

(Looking down their nose) Expert: If I must.

(Looking relieved) Client: Great, it is right over here.

Client: How do you want to start?

Expert: I will have to look at all you data, its relationships to each other and how you use it.

(Looking concerned)Client: I’ll have to get that approved. How long do you think it will take?

Expert: Not longer than 2-3 weeks tops.

Client: 2-3 Weeks! At your rate that’s (getting out calculator) $54,000.00!

Expert: I am an expert and work directly for XXX. Is there a problem? (looking intimidating)

Client: Well, we had hoped to get it sooner, I will see about getting approval.

Expert: After that I will need to study the physical relationships of your entire database, how all the indexes are built, how all the tables are configured, and do root cause analysis of all waits and events.

(Looking impressed) Client: Wow! How long will that take?

Expert: Oh, not long, maybe another 3 weeks if I work overtime.

(Looking really concerned now)Client: That would mean more than $108,000.00…

Expert: Do you want this database to perform or not?

Client: Of course we want it to perform, that is why we brought you in. There may be some issues though…

Expert: How so?

Client: According to HIPPA and SOX, we can’t grant you access to our data and we are running a third-part application and can’t touch the code.

(Picking up laptop case) Expert: Sorry, I can’t help you, what do you think I am? Burleson Consulting? I can’t be expected to tune without changing the code, I don’t believe in silver-bullets that can be applied globally and if I don’t completely understand your data, structures, indexes and tables I simply can’t make any recommendations. You’ll get my bill.

Client: What was that name you mentioned?

(SATIRE SWITCH OFF)